The longest fart...

Last week I had the greatest diarrhoea. This week I had the longest fart. I felt bloated like a balloon for the last few days on top of my cold and sore throat. I mentioned about the flatulence to the GP yesterday and she told me not to worry. Today, things turned from bad to worse that I just kept farting almost none stop. Oh well, at least I felt so much relieved after each episode of breaking wind.

Based on my experience with farting throughout the years, I can roughly categorise 4 types of fart:-

• The sonic-boom - in general they do not stink
• The squeaky and the forceful - they stink but only temporary
• The hiss - the stink from this type are unbearable
• The silent killer - the stinkiest of all type that would suffocate any living beings

So far, mine are either the sonic boom or the squeaky and the forceful type. Seriously, I would love to release the "silent killer" in my work place one so I can suffocate all my enemies until they all pass out. Muahahahahahah. Evil me.

Apparently a search over the internet reveals that fart etiquette exists. Not sure whether that is true or not but here is the list of places where you can or cannot fart. Prepare to be amused:-

It is OK to fart...

• Crowded subway train - nobody will know as long as you keep a straight face.
• Walking on the street - nobody will know as long as you're in motion.
• Dance floor - generally okay. You might want to move away from the dance floor to avoid complete detection.
• In bed/In car
• Single - fart all you want.
• Couple/Married - if your mate is game, fan the flames.
• Just dating - hold it in.
• Playing Sports - When you're in constant motion, you might be able to get away with ripping one while you play.
• Watching sports
• Open stadiums or larger crowds - you can probably get away with it.
• Sidelines or civil sports like tennis or golf - hold it in.
• Sky Diving - go for it.
• Swimming
• In the ocean - by all means.
• In a pool - with caution depending on the size of the pool and your proximity with other people.
• Hot tub - Ewww!
• Walking Dog - you can let it fly and blame the dog.

It's probably not okay to fart...

• Commuter Train - unless you are walking through the aisle on your way to another car, chances are your will be detected.
• Elevator/Medical Office - an enclosed space and it stinks.
• Cubicle - unless you want to gas your co-workers to death.
• Meeting - unless you want to get fired.
• Gym - unless you want other gym goers to cut short their exercise.
• Airplane/Movies - another enclosed space with poor ventilation, the stink will hold on forever and there is no escape.
• Having Sex - unless you want to ruin the pleasure of having sex.
• Skiing - when you fart, it tends to stay trapped inside your thick layers of clothing and you're the only one who suffer.

Does that makes sense to you? Enjoy farting then...